Stream of Consciousness

Some weeks I get to this blank screen ready to type away for you guys only to basically hear crickets in my brain and feel like I don’t have anything meaningful to say. Some weeks I have the opposite problem where there are about eight different topics that I want to talk about and choosing just one is such a struggle. This week is the latter.

In all honesty, this week has been a weird one for me. Since my breakup in March, my life has been kind of a whirlwind: studying for/taking my board certification exam, graduation, my trip to California, interviewing/getting hired/starting my new job, moving to Baton Rouge, on top of about as many weddings and showers you can squeeze in. However, last week things started to feel routine. The novelty wore off, and I was finally left with life as it is and will be; and honestly, it’s been rough.

I’m sure the lens through which I viewed everything over the last week was a bit tainted because I was in such a slump but it was one of those weeks where everyone seemed too busy for me, everyone seemed to cancel the plans I was holding on to so tightly, and quite frankly I seemed like the last priority to the entire world, on top of the random stresses that got thrown in- i.e. my gum liquifying inside of my brand new purse, two of my favorite lipsticks melting, and my watch getting rolled over by my car (yes that happened, what is my life). So basically the week was a rough one and at so many different points this week I’ve had quick instances of clarity when I would have a “I’m going to blog about this” thought, but still I can’t decide.

I can’t decide if I should stress to you guys the importance of not comparing yourself against those around you ESPECIALLY based on what you see on social media, because we all know those pictures are of the highs not the lows and using them as the standard will drive you mad.

…or if I should I explain the weird analogy I came up with while pulling weeds the other day (don’t you all wish you could have seen that!)? It compared weeds to the toxic people in your life and stressed the importance of blooming where you are planted rather than letting the forces of the world wither you away or smother you from becoming as beautiful and strong as you are capable of.

…or better yet should I focus on how important it is to feed your soul, to truly feed it. Emphasizing that if your heart is desiring live music or a long walk or a lavish meal you should listen to it even if it isn’t the smart or cool thing to do or if your friends think you’re crazy. You will feel better after.

…or even better than that, should I talk about the breakfast enchiladas and doberge cake I had today because, well, food is important, too.

so you see, friends- from being so bored I pulled weeds in our half- existent garden on a Friday afternoon to being so vulnerable I listened to my heart and spent a few hours in Pat O’s piano bar by myself, it’s been a strange few days for me. My head and my heart are in a battle and my strong exterior is being tackled day after day leaving me absolutely exhausted.

I’m now about 5 paragraphs in and still haven’t decided what I should write about today, but I’m starting to think that that’s okay. Because this is me. A girl with so many thoughts running through her mind she feels like she might combust, one who struggles with the same things you struggle with including insecurities and indecisiveness, one who is trying so hard to “adult” but is really just flopping around hoping not to accidentally set anything on fire (or roll over another watch 🙂 ), one who feels frustrated and tired and disappointed. But also a girl who is thankful, and remaining optimistic; one who is strong and determined even when she feels stuck. A girl who knows that life is and will always be a beautiful adventure, but who knows that it won’t always be easy.

All I know right now is that I’m approaching the end of this post, and I still can’t decide if I’ve actually said anything. But, I feel a little bit better. Letting myself have this few seconds of laying my feelings out for the world to see has been cathartic for me, so thank you for letting me do this.

If you’re still with me and haven’t dozed off yet, thank you. Thank you for taking me as I come, for returning here week after week to let me share my life with you, and for your comments and messages and words of affirmation- they mean so much. I hope if anyone out there feels *meh* like I do, you find a way to keep pushing forward. Keep your eye on the prize and know that no mountain is too big for you to conquer unless you convince yourself that it is. Weird days, weeks, or even months are normal and it is important to embrace them, learn from them, and run forward with the lessons rather than to run away and act like they didn’t happen. So this is me embracing my weird time and encouraging you to do the same. I’ll catch you on the other side ❤

 

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